When the going gets tough... stay on your knees!

Staying on my knees is the only thing that truly keeps me sane.  I need God in such a HUGE way!  I've always known it but as i i've aged i've gotten better at expressing it :)

We are under some major spiritual warfare right now.  We are in the biggest battle we've found ourselves in since the onset of the adoption.  I cannot share because i do not have that freedom for now. 

I can say that i am once again finding myself in a position of simply trusting when all looks black.  All the lights have gone out and i can no longer see a foot in front of me.  i don't know why God is allowing a new mountain to scale but He is and i know He has equipped us to scale it. 

Someone asked me the other day if the journey was tiring and what kept me from giving up.  Well my first response would be "Really? Of course it is tiring but so is everybody elses journeys."  And secondly "What would possess me to give up?  These are lives we are talking about, flesh and blood!  Lives that deserve the saving grace knowledge of Jesus Christ.  Isn't a life of freedom worth fighting for?"

Helen Keller said, "I am only one, but still i am one.  I cannot do everthing, but still i can do something; and because i cannot do everything, i will not refuse to do something that i can do." 

I will pray and pray and pray again.  Not just for my kiddos that need a parent, but for the millions more out there just like them. 

Thank you friends for praying us through this journey, we can feel your prayers!  LeAnn

God's plan is perfect!

You know it was no accident that in February 2010 i found myself a plane ride and ocean away from the family that i knew.  And in an instant in time, a breathe of air, as quick as it took me to sing the words "Happy Birthday" i found myself face to face with family i'd yet to meet.  How cool is our God!! 

I can't make up stuff such as this if i tried.  God's plan for my existence and journey began before i found my way out of my mom's birthing canal.  ...if i had known all the mystery and heartache life held would i have wanted to come out?  i can answer with honesty and certainty... absolutely!  To love "wholeheartedly" "without reserve" and "sacrificially"  is worth it!

When Jesus talks about the fact that to be His disciple means that we must deny self, pick up our cross and follow Him... that immediately speaks to heartache.  God's plan from the beginning was that i'd walk in complete surrender, yeilding to His plan.  I wish i'd done a better job over the years, but i can't change that now, however, i can live different going forward! 

The embassy's involved are continuing to discuss our case... God knows!  They are still pushing paperwork... God knows!  We are still waiting... God knows!   The boys are still without an earthly mother or daddy tonight... God knows!  There is nothing He isn't aware of or allowing!   So i believe  part of my surrender today  to be: letting go of my selfish wants, trust in His perfect timing and plan and continue to love without reserve!  He has a plan and it is perfect!

He Alone Is Worthy!!  LeAnn

Really??

So this morning we had a change of plans.  I was supposed to be taping a Bible study and due to some malfunctioning equipment we had to postpone til next week.  I had already cancelled (due to the taping) our normal Thursday Mission day with an incredible group of students.  Our family guests had gone to the doctor, so... the girls and i found ourselves here with some time on our hands.  I was so excited to have extra time to spend with my daddy.  I got the girls all set up with their school work and i curled up in a chair with Bible in hand.  I had a sweet time of refreshment, however it hit me some hours later that i had spent more time than i realized and i needed to shower quick so we could make it to a preplanned lunch.  So i headed to the shower.

I had just gotten good and settled in under the water, it had been approximately 60 seconds since my entry point (i kid you not) when in burst Jordan and Skyler to ask me some questions.  So here i stand, in my shower, that I've been in all of 60 seconds (did i mention it is just a clear door) with my two daughters who I've been sitting across from for 3 hours asking me questions.  "Really?"  So i sent them out and settled back in the water only to hear Gracie burst in the door, "Mom, what was the place called where the US dropped... "Really? Get Out!"

So for the third time i settled back in under the warm water only to have one of those God moments wash all over me.  You know those, kinda like i had just had with my girls, when God speaks over me with the same thing that just came out of my mouth, "Really LeAnn?"

See in my time with the Lord, just moments before, i had read through a devotion in Oswald's My Utmost for His Highest and had been journaling my thoughts about it.  Here is what it said:
"The entire human race was created to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.  Sin has diverted the human race onto another course, but it has not altered God's purpose to the slightest degree.  We must continually keep our soul open to the fact of God's creative purpose, and never confuse or cloud it with our own intentions.  If we do, God will have to force our intentions aside no matter how much it may hurt."

You may say i don't get it, so what's the big deal.  Which i would have liked to rationalize the question as well, but i felt Him waiting for me to answer.  And i know it to be big deal.  So... with that in mind, here is what i have learned along this journey;  that EVERY CHOICE i make, big and small hold great significance.  See God and i have been working through the fact that i need to learn to love WELL, ok is just not cutting it anymore, especially in light of the path we have been put on.  And part of that learning process has been making myself available at the moment someone needs me, not just when i feel like it or when it is convenient, or if /or when it works into my schedule. 

What would 5 minutes hurt to stop and answer what they felt important enough to burst in to tell me? Well if i were down right honest and truthful... nothing more than my selfishness, my agenda!    I can really get caught up in my schedule or where we need to be or what we need to be doing and forget the whole concept of people over tasks :)

His question pierced my heart yet again.  See God has been breaking me down at the kneecaps, and as weird as it sounds it has been an awesome experience.  He has been hoarding in on my intentions and showing me His.  He has been breaking in on my plans to show me His.  He has been reminding me again and again that my life is to bring Him Glory in all situations... first and foremost in my home.  He has been humbling me and tearing down strongholds that i have allowed to take root.  He has been reminding me of the undeserved gift my children are to me.  He has been teaching me that normal is overrated and that truthfully not much fun either.  And that safe... well it's a snoozer.  I could go on and on...  but i think you get the point.

So just as plain as i felt the water wash over me, i felt His presence as well waiting for my response...
it was both humbling and exhilarating all at the same time... and all i could say is: "NOT MY WILL MY LORD BUT YOURS BE DONE".  I am so thankful that i serve a God that will not give up on me in my brokenness, sinfulness or selfishness.  No matter how much it hurts i am so thankful that He will force my intentions aside and replace them with His!  Really?  Absolutely!

Hope to have news about the boys by morning!  Thanks for staying tuned!  LeAnn

Different than what i thought...

Well i had one of those moments today, (kinda like an ah-hah moment) and then i had to force myself to bring every "thought captive and obedient" unto my Lord. It was a struggle to be quite honest.

Everybody had already left for church this am, but three of us. Due to sickness in the family i had chosen to stay behind. I had sat down for a moment and as i did i looked around, and i have to admit this is just not how i envisioned this part of my life.

Honestly i had already drawn the picture book of my life for the next several years and what i was staring into the face of... was not what was in my book. See up until a couple of months ago i thought i was doing a pretty good job of juggling all my balls. My house was always clean with the fuzzy throws folded just right. My kids were in an awesome private school and enjoying it. I was teaching two, sometimes three Bible studies a week. I was exercising atleast three times a week. Our four shit-tzus were always fed and clean. The laundry was typically a load or two from being done. I slept almost 8 hours EVERYNIGHT!! And i was good and dolled up everytime i left the house with accessories to match. As i took in the sights around me this morning i have to say "Wow" what can change in a couple of months.

So with that in mind let's review what my life looks like today. My house is never clean and most days you will find piles of clothes and baby items on my dining room table. My three daughters are homeschooled (and yes only by the grace of God are we making it). Thier school work is covering every square inch of my office and thier trash. I am doing good to make it to each of my Bible studies prepared and dressed, without spit up on my clothes or a child in tow. Exercise, really?? i sneak out and walk as often as i can. Our pups are definitely fed, but being clean is questionable... The laundry pile is just downright funny most days. Last night i was up at 11, 1 and 4, (ha! that was a good night). And i surprised my good friend Chris the other day by showing up with my make up on. ARE YOU KIDDING!!!!!

This is so different than i imagined, but it is my life... every piece of dirty laundry, the sleep in my eyes, the dirty diaper on the counter, and the math sheet to be done, the baby swing in the kitchen (that i thought i'd never see again), the nasty dog bone on my couch yet again and the unmade beds for the third day in a row, it is all mine... allowed and written into my life by the One Above. He alone knows the plan and is calling the plays... i am simply supposed to play my best on the field i've been placed.

So... although i still don't have my boys home like i thought we would and we have had the blessing of unexpected family guests and my house is not at all like it once was... this is where my journey finds me today... simply doing the things God places in front of me. And it feels so right. I am trying in His strength to love the people He is putting in my path WELL, laughing at the chaos i call life today with a gut roll and dancing to His song in my head when no one is looking. A day in the life of the Newsoms!

It is definitely different than what i imagined but it is the ride of a lifetime... His and Mine! LeAnn

Accepting who is in charge...

Well it has been a while since i blogged and as i have before, i apologize. However, this time my delay has been for a totally different reason than before. i'd like to say it is because i am getting our home organized or i am preparing for our departure for Brazil or i am becoming the best chef ever, but none of it would be true. It is because i have been wrestling with the Lord over control strings.

We have been put on hold yet again. And as much as i'd really like to complain before you, i am all out of complaints. I have told the Lord every frustration and hurt through the process and He has faithfully listened and witnessed every tear that has fallen. He has continued to stand beside me and hold me up with every wave that has washed over me. He has whispered reassuring words over me again and again. He has never left my side, yet, i have struggled since our approval on the 2nd to just rest in His timing.

How He revealed my failure to relax in Him is quite humorous... not then but certainly now:) It is worth sharing... Last Friday Jordan took her permit test and passed. So we went for breakfast to celebrate (always love the cute BEFORE pictures)...

After our breakfast she decided it would be a great time to begin her behind the wheel debut (i wish you could see her face)...

At one point she was in panic mode and i was trying to instruct her; not at all as criticism but as a LIFE SAVING point. In her fear and frustration she went into control mode instead of hearing my instructions. For a moment she got lost in what she could see directly ahead and had lost all perspective of any other happenings around her. I spoke firm and clear with the directions that she needed, however she could not heed them (i wish i knew who the man in Walmart parking lot was watching us, i am sure he is still laughing even now).

When i finally got her attention and got her stopped i was incredibly frustrated. As she began to complain, I told her that the premise behind a learners permit is that you are not in control. Someone else has to be in the car with you to guide and direct you. Someone that understands the BIG picture not just the limited one you can see with your eyes. And in my ending crescendo, (as if i hadn't said enough already) i said, 'and i quote', "the sooner you accept that while you have a learners permit you are not in charge, the better it will be."

As we walked into Walmart, those same words that i had just spoken washed over me like a downpour. i could feel God's presence all over the moment. i too had gotten lost the prior week in what i could see with my limited vision and allowed myself to lose perspective. I had forgotten who was in control, who is steering the car and who ultimately knows the bigger plan. Instead of preaching it to my daughter, maybe i need to take my own advice: the sooner i accept that THE LORD IS IN CHARGE, the better it will be.

God knew i would find myself on this battlefield this past week and He prepared me in advance for victory on it if i would surrender to His Lordship. Acceptance is my choice. i'm excited to report that i have once again bended my knee in complete acceptance of the ONLY ONE IN CHARGE! He alone is Worthy!

Thanks for not giving up on me friends, I love you with my whole heart! LeAnn

We are APPROVED!

So we found out this morning that we were approved on Friday! Praise the Lord! i dont' have any more info than that yet. But prayerfully tomorrow we can begin to piece it all together!
Will keep you posted! LeAnn